Challenges

It has been an extremely challenging week of parenting this week for both Dale and I. I feel so unworthy of such a beautiful child when I find myself so frustrated to the point that here I am making time to write about how I emotionally feel like I am at my wit's end. Am I actually complaining about my child and having to meet his needs? I surely do not see it that way but I feel that is the way it may be unfortunately portrayed to others. It's not the case, really.

Before having Everett, I had heard stories of how parenting is one of the toughest responsibilities to take on. I unknowingly brushed off these stories and asked myself how hard could it be? You change, feed, sleep, and play with your children. If you do all these things, they are happy. How ignorant was I? It's far more than that, and unfortunately, you don't get a practice run and you can't plan how you will raise a child. I have realized that you have to take what each day gives you and handle it the best way you can. The next day, it will be completely different.

Not knowing the cause in Everett's demeanor and sleeping pattern is far more frustrating to me than the lack of sleep or dealing with the fits and screams itself. Knowing that you're the one person who can settle him and not being able to succeed at it makes you feel like a failure of parent, even though deep in the dark corner of your mind, you know it's not the truth but you can't help but feel that twinge.

I also never realized that in order to maintain a healthy relationship with your child and with yourself, you need time. Time for yourself. I ask myself, if I want to be a better parent, why would I want to spend time away from my child and take on such a selfish act of partaking in things that I enjoy doing for the sake of keeping my sanity? Because. Because doing so and recognizing that it's relationally healthy makes you a good parent in itself. You know it's good for both you and your child. I have observed many parents, mothers especially, who have started despising their children and understanding in their minds that parenting is something they have to do, rather than something they want to do. I remember growing up when my mom would just leave for the entire day. No one knew she left until we realized we needed something but she was nowhere to be found. She would later come home with relief struck across her face and with more patience than we usually were use to. She never told us why she left and why she needed this moment for herself but as we got older, we understood why. And now that I am a mother, I understood more than ever.

Next week, Dale and I will be visiting
Steppingstone Day School
to check out their facilities and options. We are only considering daycare for only half a day to a full day per week. Dale insisted that if we like it, we will sign Everett up right then and there. I informed that it's harder for me to have it so said and done. I am so emotionally wrapped around this child of mine that my heart already wrenches at the thought of putting him in the care of someone else and it makes me want to curl up into a fetal position and cry a little. But, sometimes, people don't know what's good for them even if it slaps them across the face. Well, I've felt the stinging pain of the slap finally and I know what's good for me.

I won't go into detail of the things that have recently made parenting so challenging. It won't enlighten my feelings any but it has been refreshing to jot my thoughts down.

When I see this face, it melts me every time. This automatic ability, I will never understand but it erases all my frustrations and puts me at a calming ease.